Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
