I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
