Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
