If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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