life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
