I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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