you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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