Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
