My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
