Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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