Quick, to the slutcave!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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