I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
