Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
