Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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