this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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