I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
