There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
