i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is Oprah even human
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
