Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
