I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
