chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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