time to smoke my breakfast
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
