i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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