I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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