Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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