I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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