RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
