getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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