Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
