This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
