Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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