I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
