Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
