I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
