I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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