some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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