I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
love makes seman taste better
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
