On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
