I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I look better un-naked...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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