My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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