There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
