is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
