this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
