OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
