I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
