I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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