Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
