the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
