I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
