I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
