YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
