I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
