So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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